Like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton now has an anger translator

“If I gave two shits about the haters I would’ve dropped the game decades ago.”
“If I gave two shits about the haters I would’ve dropped the game decades ago.”
Image: AP Photo/Molly Riley
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“I’m Hillary goddamn Clinton. I’m a political prodigy, have been since I was 16.”

No, the Democratic nominee for US president didn’t actually refer to herself as a prodigy. These are the opening words to an expletive-riddled harangue written by “Hillary Clinton,” a self-styled “patriarchy smasher,” who says all the things that the real Clinton (or, more accurately, her supporters) might wish she could say to her critics if it were not for the necessity of political decorum.

In the widely shared Medium post titled “Let Me Remind You Fuckers Who I Am,” the faux Clinton (the post provides no contact information for its actual author) lists in hilariously profane terms several reasons why Clinton’s life devoted to public service has been under-appreciated and overly criticized.

Look, this is the big leagues. If you think any problem has a tweetable solution, you’re just wrong. If you think “border wall” or “muslims = bad” is gonna solve our problems, I don’t have time for your shit.

This is literally why we have a representative government. I know you don’t want to read long, boring things. So I do it for you, and I ask a bunch of smart people, and we come up with shit that works. Here’s my solution on energy. Here’s my solution on Wall Street. Here’s my solution on jobs. I have fucking binders full of this shit and you know it. I’m so fucking ready, America.

“Clinton” goes on to argue that the Republican party is afraid of her, and that she is uniquely qualified to serve as the president of the United States. “I’ve been preparing my whole fucking life for this job,” she writes. “So stop making me dab on Ellen and just give me a fucking chance already.” (Here is the real Clinton doing the hip hop dance known as the “dab” on Ellen DeGeneres’s talk show, to which “Hillary goddamn Clinton” refers.)

The rant calls to mind a series of sketches by the comedy duo Key & Peele involving Peele as a calm, presidential Barack Obama, with Key as his apoplectic, confrontational “anger translator” named Luther. Last year, Key reprised his role as Luther at the White House Correspondents Dinner, emoting aggressively beside the actual Barack Obama (video).

While running for president in 2007, Obama was painted by some desperate political opponents as an “angry black man,” despite his calm demeanor and grace under pressure. Along those same lines, Clinton’s perceived “likability problem” while she’s running for office is one unique to women. Neither Obama nor Clinton has complained publicly about these double standards.

That’s what characters like Luther and “Hillary goddamn Clinton” come in handy for.