Donald Trump’s daily intelligence briefing, adjusted for the subjects he cares about

Bring me the head of Graydon Carter.
Bring me the head of Graydon Carter.
Image: Reuters/Carlo Allegri/File Photo
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Good morning, President-Elect Trump.

What you are about to hear is top-secret and classified. This information should not leave this room, unless you think of a sick Twitter burn for it.

First, in domestic affairs: Vanity Fair wrote a really mean review about your restaurant. The writer insulted Donald Jr’s steak preferences and has been placed on the do-not-fly list. Additionally, our agents have determined via ultra-secret recon that Vanity Fair is failing, and that Graydon Carter is a sloppy loser.

We will continue to monitor Vanity Fair, even though it is a low-level threat that has lost all of its former allure and very few people read it.

Second, we need to update you on military activity. As you know, Barack Obama was booed at every Army-Navy football game he attended, and in 2014 a four-star general threw spoiled crab meat at him. At this weekend’s game, you received multiple standing ovations and our SEALs witnessed several midshipmen fainting when they caught a glimpse of you, tears streaming down their faces, enraptured by the presence of a strong leader.

This represents literally everything you need to know about our military.

Third, we have obtained security clearances for today’s guests at Trump Tower: Vince Neil, Tommy Hilfiger, Dr. House from House, Elisabeth Shue, the Eastside Boyz, Tila Tequila, and Attorney General candidates Calista Flockhart and Robert Durst.

Fourth: International affairs. There are some serious allegations that Russian hackers were attempting to influence the U.S. election. The intelligence officer that you placed in Moscow has transmitted the following cable after conducting extensive recon: “Baloney. BALONEY. Why can’t we be friends with Russia? Vladimir Putin has been a broad-shouldered leader. Make America great again. Big league.”

Fifth: Imminent threats to America. Our intelligence agents have ranked the following as the top existential threats to this nation:

1) Time Magazine changing “Man of the Year” to “Person of the Year”

2) Jill Stein’s recount efforts

3) Not enough people buying $300 costume jewelry from

4) Unionized workers

5) Starbucks baristas who say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”

6) Democrats who refuse to say “Radical Islamic Terrorism”

7) Vanity Fair, I mean can you believe they didn’t enjoy the burger?

Finally, shopping malls across America have announced that they will be hiring additional workers this December, including overweight elderly gentlemen with white beards as well as shorter Americans with pointy ears. We believe that this seasonal hiring glut is a direct result of your presidential promise to bring back jobs, and you should feel comfortable taking credit for it.

That concludes your Thursday morning briefing. Again, the briefing contained information that is only for the president’s eyes, so I urge you and the three adult children you brought with you to maintain absolute secrecy.

Thank you, President-Elect Trump. We will see you again tomorrow to discuss more grave national security concerns, including Alec Baldwin’s Trump impression and the ratings for your interview with TMZ‘s Harvey Levin.