The findings of my study into whether any zombies voted in the election

Make no mistake—voter fraud was real, the perpetrators just weren’t human.
Make no mistake—voter fraud was real, the perpetrators just weren’t human.
Image: AP/Sergei Grits
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“I will be asking for a major investigation into VOTER FRAUD, including…those registered to vote who are dead (and many for a long time).”President Donald J. Trump, on Twitter

In 2017, at President Trump’s request, I embarked on an investigation of whether the popular vote count had been marred by any ghouls, goblins, or creepy-crawlers.

Three years later, and after $2 billion of research, I can confidently report that several ghastly apparitions and nefarious spirits did manage to vote, but not in the numbers that should cause anyone to think our electoral system has been tainted by the undead.

Our research into supernatural electoral activity took us all over the spooky spots and cursed landmarks of this nation. My team conducted voter registration checks at former bordellos, carnivals built atop of Indian burial grounds, and decrepit hotels where legend says the caretaker simply lost his mind.

We checked polling data for any known werewolves, headless horsemen/horsewomen, humanoid beasts, gremlins, and golems. We took spectrometers and infrared cameras into several elementary school gymnasiums to scan for residual ghost-presence from November 8.

We inspected local electoral results: Had anyone voted Clinton for president, but, for congressman, written MØLØCH in lamb’s blood? Had local Democratic groups been registering horned beasts or feathered serpents? Who did the Babadook vote for, and why?

This work was strenuous, time-consuming, and would make for a great M. Night Shyamalan film. But I think we can all agree that it is necessary work. I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who once wrote, “Democracy shall only persevere if a nation spends millions of dollars that could be spent on healthcare to ensure that no zombies voted.”

The endeavor gave me a few frights, of course. I remember interviewing a kindly librarian and recordkeeper named Dora Manchester in Hellsmouth, Pennsylvania; the next day, when I returned to follow up with her, a young man stood behind the library desk.

“Why, Dora Manchester?” he frowned. “She’s been dead nigh on 66 years. Murdered, don’t you know—behind this very desk.”

And who, you might be wondering, did Dora Manchester vote for? Well, her last actual election was in 1948, and she voted for Dewey, before being murdered by an enraged Carson McCullers fan in 1951.

But Ghost Dora Manchester told me that had she been alive in 2016, she would have voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Now granted, she did not actually cast a vote and also, at the time of my interview with the ghost, I had just inhaled medical-grade ayahuasca.

Still: This supernatural meeting should send a chill down every patriotic American’s spine, and can only lead to the inescapable conclusion that were they able to break through the time-space dimension, millions of ghosts would vote Democrat.

Anyway, you can read all about my findings of ghostacular interference into the 2016 election in my forthcoming congressional report/pop-up book, which I will be submitting to the president the next time there’s a full moon on Friday the 13th for maximum spookiness.

I already have a title: “Ghosts Are As Real as Mass Voter Fraud in America.”