The commercial features a woman at a desk job who opens her laptop when the clock strikes 5pm to work on her side gig as a fitness instructor. Meanwhile, Parton sings:

Working 9 to 5

You’ve got passion and a vision

‘Cause it’s hustling time,

Whole new way to make a living

Gonna change your life

Do something that gives it meaning

With a website that is worthy of your dreaming

No disrespect to Parton, who is an immensely talented artist and international treasure, but this cheerful take on what it’s like to work a day job, then work another job after that is … not true to a lot of people’s experience. Holding down side hustles is exhausting, and many people do it less out of a can-do entrepreneurial spirit and more out of financial necessity. What’s more, working extra-long days—whatever one’s reason for doing so—ups our chances of experiencing physical and mental problems ranging from stress and anxiety to sleep and substance-abuse issues.

There’s no possible way to improve upon the genius of “9 to 5,” but we thought we’d take a stab at reimagining “5 to 9” from a darker (and perhaps more realistic) perspective on working side hustles. We hope you’ll sing along to “5 to 9: The Worker’s Lament.”

Tumble outta bed

And stumble to my laptop

Salary’s too low

Can’t make my bills stop

My desk is just an empty Amazon box

Worried ‘bout layoffs

Industry’s unstable

Need a side hustle

To keep food on the table

That’s why I work 9 to 5, then 5 to 9

Workin’ 5 to 9

And then 5 to 9 am too

I mean who needs sleep

When a corporation needs you

We’ve all got second shifts

Maybe three if you’re a woman

Parenting is unpaid work

So’s doing laundry and the cooking!

5 to 9, driving Lyfts and Ubers

You might think that’s it

But I also online tutor

Want to take a break

But my student debt won’t let me

I swear sometimes the wealth gap’s out to get me!

Workin’ 5 to 9

And then 5 to 9 am too

Yes I’ve put “burn out

On my list of to-dos

I’m less a person now

Than a function of my labor

My mental health is

Going down the drainer!


[song fadeout]

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